Townie News

KICK ASS! Dan Shaughnessy still hates “Pocket Money”!

2010-09-02T16:47:57Z

Couldn’t ask for a better blessing than Shaughnessy cutting some bowl rope on top of “Pocket Money”. It’s the kiss for good luck any New England Sports Nitwit like myself would want. It’s almost become an annual tradition; we make the show, CHB sees the promo 976,000 times, steams out on it in one of his little “Kibbles ‘n Bits” columns, therefore giving it the “If Shaughnessy Hates It Then It Can’t Be That Bad” Seal of Approval. WIN! Thanks, Dan..and GFY!

Also of interest...

People are giving TFB a hard time because his hair this season is a little Justin Beiberiffic. Well, at least HE DIDN’T GO SEE THE BEIBS IN CONCERT! Unlike a rival AFC East QB... I don’t care if the Jets win 700-3 against the Pats, at least Brades didn’t see The Beibs.

That Boob Apron video that debuted here on Townie News last week went banonkers (bananas + bonkers), and has gotten over 1.1 million views on the YuTube. Nice work, peoples.

Continuing to enjoy the new pics from LOLPats every morning...

Here’s this week’s New England Sports Nitwittery with your pals Bax & O’Brien on Rock 102...

And be on the lookout for the most kickass t-shirt we’ve produced to date, maybe the most kickass TFB and Patriots shirt ever, dropping here on Townie News for a special introductory price of only $12, sometime in the next day or two. Hmm...why would it be a special price of $12? I wonder what could have inspired that...

Season 2 of “Pocket Money” Premieres Friday September 3rd on NESN…and Other Shit

2010-09-01T14:03:31Z

Dear Viewers, Fans, Friends, Enemies, Assclowns and Other Sportsfans,

These days it’s all about transparency in America, right? After Season 1 of “Pocket Money” you watched and then you made your peace. You spoke your words. You shared your opinions. And that’s why NESN brought me, the only guy who can look like more of a boob than the contestants who whiff on the first question, back, and with more money (but don’t worry, the Nitwit Factor is set to 11 this season.) And we’re back JUST in time for the Red Sox to pretty much be out of it. HOORAY!

So make sure to tune in this Friday, September 3rd for the Season 2 premiere of “Pocket Money” on NESN. We’re on Fridays @ 5pm, part of the NESN “Made in New England” block of programming (sandwiched between “Shining City” and “After The Game”, John Henry’s wife’s “Cribs” of New England sportspeoples), and then again after the Sox game and NESN Daily...somewhere around midnight. What’s the deal with air times in Rocktober? You got me. In the meanwhile, here’s a show open from Season 1 that I think worked out pretty well, one that we got naturally with no “TV tinkering”, believe it or not.

Some Other Things ‘n Stuff ‘n Shit - For those of you as bummed as I am that Leigh Bodden is out for the season (HUGE unexpected dickpunch, which is the worst kind, not that there’s such a thing as a “good dickpunch”, per se), here’s as good a 2010 Patriots season preview as you’re going to read. I can get behind anything that touts “The Tom Brady Factor” as a reason for success.

And I know some of you freaks out there who check in on the Townie from time to time are not necessarily Boston/New England sports fans, but can rally behind our cause of being ballbusters and dicks to our mutual sorts enemies. And occasionally you like to pick up a little non-league sanctioned merch to express yourself. One spot I’d like to recommend is PhillyPhaithful.com. You don’t have to be from Philthy to appreciate the merch and sportswear they make (they made that awesome Plaxico shirt I blogged about a while back). Here’s a new fave of mine, which I definitely believe I’ll be sportin’ on Celtics off-nights in the coming 2010-11 season.

I hope this shirt never loses it’s relevance.

Fitzy’s Totally Unbiased Double Hard Knocks Review (Eps 2 & 3)

2010-08-31T03:14:19Z

Following the nice lil’ shitstorm we whipped up with our Hard Cocks: Episode 1 review, here’s a well-overdue double-episode reviewtacular. Enjoy. Let’s go Pats. And GFY.

And remember folks, this is all, much like the idea of the Jets going to the Super Bowl, a joke.

The GFY Merch You’ve Been Waiting For…

2010-08-26T15:39:35Z

...has finally arrived.

Boston sports fans and drunks of the world unite, for it is THE GFY KOOZIE (in glorious Pats colors and font, no less). Available now in the Townie News merch section. $2 a pop, plus $1 S/H. Here’s the bonus - for every 5 you buy you get 1 free. So buy 5 (pay $15), we’ll send 6. Buy 10, we’ll send 12. Plus a GFY sticker. You’re a smart drunk. You get it.

GFY to go. How could it get any better than this (aside from standing outside SB 45, waiting to go in and watch the Pats shoot for ring #4, GFY koozie in hand)?

It May Not Be Boston Sports…

2010-08-25T23:39:31Z

...but this speaks for all men, especially the ones that are awake, alive and give a shit. And it need be said.

If you haven’t seen the “inspiration” then click here.

Fitzy’s “Totally Unbiased” Review of Hard Knocks w/the New York Jets: Episode 1

2010-08-12T04:34:40Z

Each week I’ll be twittering my way through the latest episode of “Hard Knocks with the New York Jets” (@fitzygfy), then providing a detailed, “totally unbiased” review of the episode. Because really, who better to provide commentary and fair-minded insight on the bold, brash and blustery Jets than a mouthy half-drunk New England patriots supahfan, right?

LOLPats

2010-08-09T23:03:25Z

This site earns GFY certification. Solid football parody of this site and this other site (for those not in the know, or who haven’t been on the internet in 5 years.) IMFO it’s high-quality lowbrow fare for the huddled Massholes. Like what I did there?

Also, nice win, HUGE fahkin’ win, for the Sox on Monday, salvaging the split with the Skanks. Whiffing Grandyman, Swisher Sweets & Gayxiera in the 9th was a cause for serious Papelbonerage.

New Shaq Nickname Contest: The Finalists

2010-08-05T21:19:28Z

OK peoples, we’re down to a Top 10 for the Townie News “Give Shaq a New Boston Celtics Nickname” contest. Winner gets a White Wes Welker & GFY t-shirt pack (YES, in their size.) I figure it’s best to leave it to you, the twisted drunks, freaks, green monstahs and GFY-types to pick a winnah. Voting ends Friday @ Noon O’Clock. Here they iz...

Jeremy Mallo - The Shaquisition

Bill Garvey - The Four Ring Clover

Dan Park - The Old Man & The C’s

Sean DiFranza - Shaq & The Beanstalk

Brian Chevarie - Shaqapulco Gold

Ignacio Cifuentes - Green Steel

David Wilson - McDiesel

Casey Johnson - Jump the Shaq

Steve Zach - Red Aure-shaq

Brian Bigwood - Kazaam 2

Leave votes as a comment on the article on Townie News, or in Facebook comments. Write-in votes for other faves are allowed. So crack a frosty, vote your fave, and GFY!

More Things, Stuff, Junk & Other Shit

2010-08-04T20:43:58Z

First things first...before we get to any newsworthy shit or what have you, I highly recommend watching Mike Lowell’s 1st pitch home run from his Tuesday night again. And again. Love the standing O you gave him, Sawxfans. You stay classy, RSN.

Now, what do I think about the Celtics adding Shaquille O’Neal? It’s a NFB: No Fahkin’ Brainah, especially considering that Perk’s out until us men get wallet raped by the Hallmark corporation and Rose Growers of South America (bka - Valentine’s Day.) The Celtics need a big guy off the bench, who can clear the post, bang bodies, gab some boards, throw a few down (hoops, not beers), and provide the in-the-paint presence we needed so badly in Game 7. 6 minutes away from banner #18, you don’t think Shaq’s presence wuldn’t have guaranteed duckboats and a “wolling wally”? Fahk and yeah it would have. This signifies that the Celtics are more than happy to be the oldest, stingiest, biggest, gnarliest and pain-in-your-assest team in the East. It’s not like adding Squash and King Lames. But it is a 7 fot 1 375 pound F U to the Eastern Conference and to everyone else who said the C’s were washed up after losing the FInals. Shaq’s gonna bring even more excitement. He’ll look funny standing next to Rondo. He’ll put asses in seats. He’ll love how into it Boston fans get. He’ll love playing and beating the Heat. He may be older than the actual Aristotle but Big Aristotle is a hellified signing. PLUS, now he can team up with Jermaine to form The O’Neal Boys, the hardest workingest Irish front court in all professional basketball.

I REALLY hope Shaq wears 18, just to signify what he’s helping the C’s go for (art courtesy Chris DeRoy.)

Hey, Jacoby Ellsbury’s finally back! Be gentle, ladies. And take it easy, guys. We’re not that far back on the Skanks and we’re gonna need his fragile ass and boy band looks, because...(I’m calling it; Rays are winning the East, we’re getting Wild Card - BOOM! It has been saided. Even Bill Simmons’s (@sportsguy33) bestie, JackO, (@jacko2323) said he thinks the Skanks will be in 3rd by mid-August.

TIMEKILLER EXTRORDINAIRE, ESPECIALLY FOR PEOPLE WHO GREW UP IN THE LATE 80’S/EARLY 90’S, HAD A SUPER NINTENDO AND WERE/ARE LOSERS LIKE ME - The Street Fighter 2 soundboard. Now feel like you’re going to BRA-ZIL! whenever you want. it’s so friggin’ cool. You’re welcome.

Just curious...according to Forbes, which city has 3 of the Top 10 fanbases in the MFUSA? Sure it’s a magazine I don’t read and all (like I read!), but still, 30% of the Top 10 fanbases (Spoiler Alert - keep at it, Bruins fans! Let’s go for 4 outta ten next season.) Yankees fans didn’t even crack the Top 10. That’s because Yankees Fans Suck.

Don’t forget to tune in for a retahded sorts chat with Bax & O’Brien, Thursday Aug 5th at 8 in the AM on Rock 102 FM (rock102.com for you “radio on the web").

GFY, welcome Shaq, and let’s go Sox!

And for reading this far here’s your “let’s end on a video of a dumbass getting hit by an ice cream truck” reward...

...as well as that picture of Chewbacca riding a giant squirrel into battle against Nazis that none of you asked me about. So enjoy.

HFB, TFB!

2010-08-03T04:35:29Z

Enjoy your “Larry Legend” year, buddy. May it bring you, and all New England Patriots kind, the ring, trophy and celebration worthy of such a glorious year.

At the end of the day nobody does it better (I won’t apologize, I get sappy about this shit.)

Adios, PUP! Hola, WAFP!

2010-08-01T20:57:11Z

WAP = Welker Able to Fahkin’ Practice.

Dear Rest of NFL, Get ready to see a shitload of this again this season, and beyond. And at full fahkin’ force. That is all.

You already know this by now, and if you don’t then you’re either on vacation, in a cave, or an asshole. But White Wes is BACK. And sure, he could technically still go back on the PUP for the start of the season and be out for the 1st 6 games, but the odds of that happening are the same as LeBron hosting a “Hey Cleveland, My Bad” fundraiser at Dan Gilbert’s house this fall. He’s worked his dick off to get to where he is and if he’s come this far, this fast, then you know for sure that he won’t stop until he’s ready, and on the field, and catching passes like crazy, and being a huge pain in his opponents’ ass every week. It’s inspirational, really. If Welker can tear his knee up like pulled pork on January 3rd, and be back in shape and ready for the “controlled” violence of the NFL before kids go back to college? PFR: Pretty Fahkin’ Remarkable. Makes me think I should be less proud of myself when I clean my pizza crusts and empty beer cans off the sofa after watching a Sox game.

And this is when the Sox WIN.

Honestly, try to tell me there’s a better story in the NFL right now. Tell me there’s someone little kids, Pats fans and manchildren all across New England and beyond should look up to more. He’s the heart and rock ‘n roll soul of this team, which has been through a lot and has a shit-ton of work to do to get to where they want to go. But if Welkah can do what he’s done, and the team follows White Wes’s example, then who’s to say anything’s impossible this season?

Anything’s Poss...fuck it, you know what I said!

“Boston Sports Abstract Comic Book Propganda Fan Art Genius”

2010-07-30T04:08:16Z

That’s the only way I know how to describe this dude Chris DeRoy’s stuff. It’s friggin’ fantastic. I love shit..excuse me...STUFF like this, in this style. But when you do it for TFB, White Wes, Papi & other Boston sports favorites and legends, well, I get a little excited.

You can see this and not get excited or wanna run out and by one HOW?

You might know Chirs as the guy who does the great Toucher & Rich cast picture over at The Sports Hub. Good shit. Check out his stuff on Facebook. He doesn’t have a website yet...so email him and tell him to get the show on the road (kudos to the Boston Sports Then & Now humps for the tip-off here.) It is “wicked awesome Boston sports art” indeed.

Oh, and if you wanna buy Chris can be reached at - christopherderoy@yahoo.com (considering he doesn’t seem to have awebsite I’m surprised you don’t have to page him or call an operator to place an order.)

Training Camp Ahoy! And Other Shit.

2010-07-29T23:06:35Z

That hot waft of awesome that came by your nose this morning? Kinda smelled like the first scent off a freshly-lit bbq grill, with just some light hints of pigskin and beer? Yup, that was the start of Patriots Training Camp 2010. That means meaningful football’s not too far off, and shitty pretend football (which I’ll still take) is very close. Of course when we start getting excited about football in July and wishing it was Kickoff Weekend already, we’re wishing away the 2nd half off the summer. But I’ve already sweat my balls off enough this summer. Trading part of summer for football season is a good deal any which way you look at it.

So, there are about 9.5 million questions, concerns, stories and AFI’s (areas of fahkin’ interest) about this team. Welker, Mankins, TFB’s contract, the rookies galore, this possibly being Mossman’s Patriots swansong? We can get into those later, or never, or whenever. That shit will work itself out. A story I found pretty friggin’ interesting on Day 1 was that Derrick Burgess did not show up because he’s considering retirement. “Oh no! Please don’t retire, Derrick. hat would we do without you and your 1 sack coming off the edge?” Those are not likely to be words heard from the Pats and/or any or many Pats fans. When a guy’s considering retirement, and it’s not someone coming off a boss season, then usually that means they know something’s up, or that the tank is empty, and it’s time to call it quits. It’s not like our version of Julius Peppers is just shocking everybody with this decision out of the Patriot blue. Burgess got old, FAST. Football’s a battle and a grind, and if he ain’t feeling it then for cripes’ sake, Patriots, please don’t talk a man who had little to no impact last season, out of retirement. Therefore, I’d like all of us to say hello and warmly embrace the most likely candidate for the OLB job (until Jermaine Cunningham takes his or Tully Banta Fodder’s job): Rob Ninkovich.

Pats OLB Rob Ninkovich gives a Bill Clinton-esque thumb up to the idea of getting to start for the Pats this season.

He gets my vote for “Most Likely To Imitate And Replace, But Only In The Literal But Not Metaphorical Or Awesomeness-Sense, Mike Vrabel” Award for 2010. Look at him. Glimpse quick enough and it looks like friggin’ ol’ Ready Willing and Vrabel himself. They even got him wearing Vrabel’s #! Shit, think Belichick misses vintage Vrabel and the versatility, stability and toughness that badass with a mustache brought? Hey, who knows - the Pats got Ninkovich for a nickel & dime. Maybe he can surprise people outta nowhere, kinda like a relatively then unheard Mike Vrabel did back in 2001? Ya’ never know. But don’t say I didn’t call it. Unless Ninkovich sucks pink footballs. Then don’t remind me.

Hey, Eddie House signed a 2-year deal with the Heat. So fuck him.

Also - anyone looking to kill ten minutes, get caught up on the week’s Boston sports news and have a few cheap laughs might want to give a listen to this week’s Sports Chat with Bax & O’Brien at Rock 102.

And...if you dig action movies then here’s a sweetass article on the most underrated action movie heroes...

...click here to see Blake Lively’s chestbombs popping out at Comic Con last weekend (these are the very same ladypillows that I suggested the Red Sox trade for as “motivation” for the stretch run)...

...and while we’re on the subject of Comic Con here’s a picture that reminds geeks, nerds, fanboys and Fitzys alike that even in your darkest hour, or after the most ball-breaking of losses for your favorite team, there will always be a reason to live...

I Wish This Man Would Play For The Patriots

2010-07-28T14:58:14Z

I bet he does too. He’d be a better version of 2004 Corey Dillon and that ended pretty well.

Fahkin’ Sigh.

At least we have Laurence Maroney. He’s dependable! Especially in the red zone.

Double Fahkin’ Sigh.

Wes Welker Shirt Sale & New Welker Shirt Launchstravaganza!

2010-07-26T22:13:14Z

In honor of my hero and yours, Wes Welkah, coming all the way back from AC-Hell surgery, promising to be ready for the season, giving TFB his favorite target, and us supahfans our favorite little engine that could and does, we’re having a WHITE WES WELKER t-shirt clearance sale. Now, for the low-low (and honorary) price of only $8.30, you can own your own White Wes Welker shirt.

Besides championing Welkah’s efforts to get back on the field faster than any of us could recover from a scraped knee, let alone a destroyed one, we’re having a sale to clear some merch...BECAUSE WE RE-DESIGNED THE WES WELKER SHIRT AND IT’S READY AND AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE, PATSPEOPLE!

That’s right, it’s the brand new “Wes Welker: White Receiver”. Available for purchase for our still-low-as-grandpa’s-balls price of $12 (plus $3 shipping & manhandling). Everyone’s gonna want one and be wearing one come Opening Day against possibly T.O. and the Bengals. You don’t wanna be left out, do you? You were made fun of enough already in this life. Stick with the cool kids. Get with the program! Pony up the $15 and buy this kickass shirt already!

Go to TownieNews.com/merchandise and get - it - on!

And welcome back, Wes! I heart you in ways that it makes even me uncomfortable from a distance.

And let’s go Pats!