Townie News

Get Jim Rice Into the MF’ing Hall of Fame!

2009-01-06T19:30:15Z

I’m Jim Rice, bitch! Now get my ass where it belongs - into the Hall of Fame!

Follow this link and get old Jim Rice, one of the greatest Sox players ever, and one of baseball’s most underappreciated sluggers, where he belongs; in Cooperstown. How many others with numbers in the neighborhood of Jim Ed have seen their name on a plaque, heard their number called while Rice, one of the AL’s most feared hitters for over a decade, sits on the sidelines? This, my good friends, is some old bullshit! Just look at his stats! In an age where pitchers were better and the balls and the players weren’t juiced, no less. I mean, the guy deserves to be in the Hall of Fame for wearing sunglasses in studio on NESN doing postgame analysis if nothing else!

Day, Night, Inside, Outside - Jim Rice wears his sunglasses when and where he wants to, bitches!

Let’s right this wrong and do the Sox right (especially on a day where the Skanks sign their latest high-priced humpface, those Pinstriped pricks!)

Teixeira: Rhymes With Grasspole

2009-01-06T19:19:39Z

“In my mind New York was always the top.” Yeah, the top of my dick, you toothy hump!

Just reading the transcript to this fake-ass, bleached-tooth, image-conscious d-hole’s press conference is enough to make me sick. AND happy, AGAIN, that the Sox didn’t sign him. Eff him and his new Pinstriped Porkpirates. I can not wait for him to turn into the 1st base version of A-Rod; big stats, no title.

THAT was Your AFC East Champion? REALLY?

2009-01-05T15:32:33Z

Man, Pats fans must feel really hosed now that we got our dicks kicked in representin’ the AFC East in the playoffs.

Really? REALLY? That was the best the AFC East Champs could do?

That was the best Mr. Jets Slayer, Mr. Comeback Player of the Year could do?

Can anyone look me straight in the eye (regular, brown, red, WHATEVER) and tell me that the Dolphins and their 1-game better conference record (8-4 to 7-5 in AFC for Pats) deserved to go to the playoffs and were better than the Pats?

Pathetic.

That ass-whooping served Ed Reed style, with a side order of 4 Pennington INTs, only reinforces all Pats fans sour grapelicious feelings about getting sent home for the postseason in favor of the pop-gun Dolphins. There is no way in the wide world of sports that someone can tell me the Pats would not have made a game of it played better or had a chance to win? If you did you would have but a leg to stand on and it would be FULL OF SHIT.

The “big wins” for the Dolphins were Pennington making his comeback and the team reversing their fortunes and going from the cellar to the spotlight. GREAT! Good for them! That was their championship, the whole “not sucking anymore” thing. They could have lost to the Jets and still gone home winners. BIG winners. Now they go home after an ass-kicking in their own house, where their offense was shut down, dressed down and beat down. And there’s no way they can feel as good today about their season as they did but a day or two ago. What the Fish did this season was awesome, and they beat the Pats back in September and earned their accolades and respect. But sorry, I am going to cry one last good cry over the spilled milk that was the Pats and their spit ‘n glue old man D and red-hot Casselhoffense going home in favor of the Dolphin peoples and their dink with no duck offense.

Technically the right team went to the playoffs. But we all know the wrong team packed up and played golf first.

OK, I’m done.

GFY Films Presents: Dealing With Disappointment

2009-01-04T00:45:57Z

Kippah And Brades, #7

2008-12-31T16:13:25Z

Hey Eric Mangini…

2008-12-29T14:50:18Z

Good luck pal!

Nice knowing you!

Great work this season!

Take it easy!

Best wishes!

Happy New Year!

GFY!

Hey, you reap what you and a broken down greybearded QB fahkin’ sow, Fredo.

FUCK YOU BRETT FAVRE!

2008-12-29T01:18:06Z

FUCK YOU!

I’d be crying if I was an asshole and threw 3 shitty interceptions!

And fuck you! AND fuck Robbie! FUCK EVERYONE!

The Pats were playing football too damn well to be shown the door. Fuck karma! Fuck the Jets! Fuck Arizona and whoever the dick wins the AFC West, far from befitting a playoff spot as they may be. Fuck the dicknuts who leave comments saying, “Tough shit, Fitzy, that’s how it goes” and the like. FUCK EVERYONE!

Goodnight, Springton. There will be no encore.

And Here We…GO

2008-12-28T04:04:34Z

No dropping the literal or metaphorical ball Sunday, Pats. You especially, Gaffney! Once was more than fahkin’ enough, thank you very little.

Christmas happened – and I don’t care!

Teixiera signed with the Yanks – and I don’t care!

A team could go 0-16 Sunday…and I don’t care!

I just got a Blu-Ray player AND Guitar Hero: World Tour for gifts, both of which give me super-nerd stiffies and yet remain unopened…and I don’t care!

Rumor has it TFB got engaged – and I don’t care!

IT’S ALL ABOUT SUNDAY AT 1PM, peoples.

Then maybe 4. But the mathemagenius in me says first comes 1.

The Pats HAVE to win in Buffalo before any of these other wacky playoff scenarios can come to be. So no talking about the Jets, or the Jags, both of which we hope to be fans of come 4 in the PM. HOPE.

We don’t have Jack, Shit or their friends to worry about if the Pats don’t win in Buffalo, a team and city that would relish knocking the reigning division champs and their hated rival from the playoff picture (lest we forget Buffalo plays host to the radio show Shred and Ragan who had the “Best Bust of Bernard Pollard” contest…these sugar-frosted fuckwits.) Misery loves company, but I’m too in the mood for January football to hang with the Bills and whoever else ain’t going to the playoff dance. And don’t even get me started on the kinda “straight till spring training” shithouse kinda mood I’ll be in if the Pats lose, or go 11-5 and still miss the playoff. Moral victories SCHMORAL DICKTORIES! They’re playing too damn well to start playing my Guitar Hero and watching my Blu-Ray!

SO, root your balls off...scream your brains out...drink your face off...do whatever you have to do from wherever you have to be in whatever lucky pair of underpants you need to be in to help will the Pats to victory. THEN we can all temporarily switch allegiances and feel fahked up about actually saying “Go Jags!” or “C’mon Favre!” Seriously, the “Pennington comes to NYC and has the chance to knock the Jets from the playoffs after they dumped his ass for Olde Man Favre” story is super cool, great drama and all. But just not now, with all we have on the line. Unless the Jags can pull their head outta their dismal season asses for the day. Against the Ravens. Which sounds really improbable. About as probable as me seeing “Marley and Me”. So yeah, be pro-Jets-ready. But we gotta make sure White Cassel and crew have the chance to cheer for Eric Mangini’s team (vomit-on-keyboard-sound) first.

You fahked it up six years ago, Fav-ruh. Don’t fahk it up again. Gaffney promised me we’ll do our job and no balls will be dropped, so then you go do yours. Then ride off into your Wrangler jeans sunset. Then everybody go fahk themselves! Especially Hamgini...that prick. Who I might have to root for Sunday (*keyboard covered in vomit sound again*)

Damn you, Football Gods! How Could You Let It Come Down to This?

2008-12-22T14:43:29Z

Santa, I do not remember putting “Need to be a Goddamn Jets fan for a day” on my fahkin’ Christmas Wish List!

Was not your punishment of Patriots fans on February the 3rd in the year 2008 of our Lord not punishment enough?

Was not your (temporary) smiting of the brave and most noble Tom Brady on September the 7th of this same year a reminder of your anger towards us?

And now you ask us to both win our final game AND be forced into temporary Jets fandom for a day? Have you no mercy?

If it must be done so as to allow the surging football force that is the reconstituted reconstructed and reinvigorated Patriots into the playoffs, then so be it.

OK Santa, THIS, the Pats playing awesome offense (awefense?) in the playoffs...THIS is what I want for Christmas, you chubby freak!

Kippah & Brades, #6

2008-12-19T22:32:12Z

Fitzy’s Wicked Pissah Pats/Cardinals Preview

2008-12-18T16:50:18Z

Fitzy’s Final FANalyst Funspot: A Visit from ol’ Fitzy Claus

2008-12-18T14:03:57Z

For all you fantasy freaks out there who have been clamoring that there’s not enough actual Start ‘Em/Sit ‘Em advice in the Funspot fantasy football videos I offer you this meaty gift (meaty gifts - your mom’s favorite present this time of year!) Good luck and feel free to send Fitzy Claus an email asking for advice, or tell him his picks stink like reindeer ass, at fitzy@townienews.com.

A Little TFB Always Makes for a MFC

2008-12-17T13:07:30Z

OMG, an honest to god TFB sighting! But I thought presents didn’t arrive until Christmas morning?

Is it me, or has TFB become even more of a mythic figure this season? He had already reached modern football Elvis status - best QB, ladies want to be with, men want to be - then the ACL hits in the 1st quarter after he doesn’t play all preseason, following the best season, and most disappointing Super Bowl finish, EVER. He has the surgery, ducks away, has some trouble, rehabs, and we see as much of him as we have quality runs up the gut from Laurence Maroney before he hit the shelf. So it makes sense that when TFB appeared at the Pats annual Salvation Army Holiday Party at The Razor Tuesday night, hearts were aflutter and questions went flying. In his usual cooler than any school we went to style he deflected all questions about himself like he was injured and at the postgame podium, just cheering on his team and his former training partner (who we all can agree is defying expectations weekly now). But still, it’s just Tom Brady, right? Yet still he makes an unexpected but still not surprising appearance at a charity event his team, the team he plays for, will play for again and has been the heart and soul of for the decade, and we all go banonkers? So pardon me for saying this but it’s almost like a positive that Brady has created from the negative that was his injury was elevating his mythical status. Now when he appears it’s unexpected, more special, a treat for all us football children. “Loo, TFB! He’s alive and well! He still has IT. Wow, I’m almost not worthy, hes just so...pretty. And awesome. He’s prawesome.” So anyway that was cool.

Timmy and Janice, and children all over the world, were able to open their Christmas presents with joy once again, knowing that Tom Brady appeared in public and seemed healthy. For it truly is a Christmas miracle. Not as big of one as the Pats making the playoffs, but still...

And yes, while I’m here, so I don’t have to hear about it, the Celtics are fahkin’ awesome, winners of 15 straight, 23-2, amazing teamwork, Jesus Shuttlesworth back in vintage form, Big Ticket admitting no one to the hoop, Rondo starting to become a borderline triple-double machine, The Truth telling all how it is, banged up knee or not, Perkins becoming a body that bangs with the best of them down low (he makes your mom proud). Just ridiculously good. And I hope they beat the southern fried dick out of the Atlanta Cock-Hawks tonight

And YES, the Bruins are also pretty fahkin’ amazing right now. That’s about the breadth and depth of my hockey knowledge (so as to end any debates on me holding out on my hockey knowledge or webcasts - the last thing this world needs is another internet sports video bandwagoneer). Put it this way - I’m actually watching some hockey now, a little nit. NOT a ton, but I’m looking for Bruins scores regularly and loving every time I read a recap that starts something like, “The Bruins kicked the shit out of {INSERT TEAM NAME HERE} 7-4 last night.” Kickin’ ice and taking no frozen prisoners. I love it. Not enough to do webcasts about it...that’s going to b your job (more about that this week).

Back to work on the fantasy and Wicked Pissah Pats preview videos. Get back to pretending you’re working. We’ll talk soon.

A Pro Bowl Gathers No Moss

2008-12-16T23:52:40Z

Hey, you guys aren’t going to the pro Bowl either? Awesome! Everyone in on a giant sweaty man-hug! Don’t get mad, we’ll burn a few at SCH’s house and all will be good. Plus the flight is a bitch. Trust me.

You know when they implore you to vote for the pro Bowl by going to NFL.com because all the votes count? And you’re like, “I will, just later. I’m too busy going over my fantasy roster for the 800th time today.”? Well, you suck! Because Randy Moss missed out on being a starting Wide Receiver in the Pro Bowl...by 18 votes! To Brandon Marshall! Now I Am Marshall is a hellified receiver in his own right. Crazy numbers, 18 catch day, even missed a few games because he and his brother wrestled their way into an entertainment center. The guy’s bananas (I worked with him in 2007, so I’m not talking completely outta my ass on this one). But still - Moss, snubbed. “Denied!” as Wayne would say. That flat-out fahkin’ sucks. Not his best statistical season, but still...MOSSMAN!

Cheers and Beers to White Wes and Stephen Kickakowski for being selected, inaugural trip for both (I know - how did Welker and his 112 catches not go in 2007?) They say there’s nothing like your first time, so GFY: Good For You, guys.

Pack your juice and cookies, Dr. Diabetes! Once we get eliminated from the playoffs and take a month off we get to play football again, this time in Hawaii. Yeah, I got picked over Moss. That shit’s crazy as me, right?

It’s the Townie News Happy Hollydaze Ten Dollar T-Shirt Saletacular, Charlie Brown!

2008-12-15T14:00:53Z

That’s right, Towniepeoples! We’re hopping on board the “Our economy is in the same toilet that JP Losman’s head should be in” wagon and having a t-shirt sale. The White Wes Welker and Seyton Manning shirts have been made an unbeatable irresistible $10. Yup, just $10 a shirt, otherwise called ‘A Fahkin’ Wicked Good Bahgain, Dood!” Order ASAMFP and you can have it for yourself, your loved one or whoever it is you wanna buy a kickass t-shirt for in time for the holidays. ‘Cuz nothing says “I love you” or “I respect what a ginormous Pats and/or Fitzy fan you are” like a White Wes or a Seyton Manning shirt. So say we all.

BUY ME! I LOOK AS AWESOME ON YOU AS I DO CATCHING OVER 100 PASSES A YEAR FOR THE PATS!

BUYING ME FOR THE LOW-LOW PRICE OF $10 SAYS YOU HAVE AS GOD A TASTE IN FASHION AS YOU DO FOOTBALL..

Also, the guys who carry our GFY shirts over at Supahfans.com are having some crazy good sales as well, with up to 33% off select shirts (and of course if you order and tell Kev that Fitzy sent you he’ll take good care of you - not like THAT, just...you know.)

Head over to Supahfans.com’s store HERE.

OK, stop reading and start shopping! Hop to it! Show some hustle! Buy now! Shop away! Let’s go Pats! GFY!